It's one of those times recently where my mind goes into an overdrive and brings me to the near bottom of the pit. Not nearly to the bottom most, but near bottom. At times I think that one day I'll literally walk out of the road without looking and die a horrible death, at times I think I will be able to pull through and finally see the light at the end of the rainbow, but hey, is there really a rainbow in my life now? Though blessed with friends who stick around even when I'm not the happiest camper around, why do I still feel like I'm falling into the darkest pit ever?

I'm out and about but where is that sunshine smile I used to have? Where is that carefree spirit? I've become this dark and quiet ghost where even in a crowd no one will notice. Sceneries have seemed to be photoshopped and become greyscale to me, sunshine seems to have been eclipsed by the moon and dark clouds loom over. Is it me or is this world turning grey and dying right in my eyes?

I need a spurt of energy, colors, maybe even hope or faith if it even exists. Invisible tears flowed from the heart, my every part of the body feels dragged down, is this the first sign of dying? If so, please just shoot me right in the heart to stop it from beating, so I don't have to go through hell, ever again.

A little episode of my boring life

Finally tendered my resignation and began my notice!

Crossing my fingers that life will get better, and trying to search inside me if this is the field I still want to stay in. After being through this for 2 years, I feel like I had enough of it, yet another part of me feels like I'm stuck with it. Will I regret not getting out of it now in the future or will I find a renewed interest in it? The challenge is there, but where is my motivation.

I seemed to have lost interest in everything. No motivation or excitement or even interest in anything I do. What am I facing? Why have I lost the fight? Questions to be answered and only I can do that. But, how?

Will this be it?

I was asked today if I'd be interested in either one of two positions in Macau, should it be available, I said yes immediately. However, a part of me is still skeptical about it. After the last one which did not happen, it almost ruined me. I kinda gave up, left with no motivation to perform. Now, I'm trying to pick up the pieces, and here comes another opportunity.

Will this be it or will this be another disappointment? If this is it, my life gets brighter; if not, will the little pieces of me die with expectations?

Finally, a space to call Mine

Finally found a room! It's big and spacious, too big for me but it'll mean a lot of privacy! Awesome!

A lot has gone on in my life.. Things don't look too good, at least financially it's that way. Will need to reflect more, plan more and save more. Gotta stop all the partying, not totally, but limit it to only Fridays and Saturdays. My body can't take it anymore. Now that I have my own "place", I can finally say I don't need to go out so often anymore. I'm quite contended to just lay on the bed and watch movies on my laptop or read my books now. No one will be knocking down on my door and screaming at me. Excited!

Change

Great! Made some drastic changes, life feels better already. Thing is, I'm still feeling like a nomad, no real place to call my own yet. I'm still searching for that shell which will cover me up. But to be honest, things in life seems to be looking brighter and better. Boss is not picking on me so much now, going out less and working more now, got a business which I never thought I could, yeah things seems smoother..

What are we, 5?

Honestly, are we in primary school? We are all adults now, answerable to our own action. Do we need to explain every single action or movement? If you want to know my movement so much, should I clock in and out every single time I go to the washroom? If you don't trust your employees, then don't preach about what a partial leader you are and how understanding you are and how much you trust us! If you did you wouldn't want me to send you my activity log, and make it a must to clock in or out. Our pay aren't judge by the amount of hours we worked so why do you wanna know? If you see my working hours, are you going to increase my pay? No you're not! So stop being such a pain in the arse because I have ten thousand things to do and have no time for these trivial jokes of your's, thank you very much.

Goodbyes

I absolutely hate goodbyes! Finally found someone whom I immediately get on well with and someone I would absolutely like her to be my big sister, and the time is just so short. Even before she leaves I miss her already! I don't even feel this at home! If I could choose my family, Sammy would absolutely be my sister. She's awesome, and not judgmental at all! I'm so gonna miss her..

My big sister from halfway around the globe. Makes me wonder I'm really born into the wrong place. I hate it when I get so connected to someone, just makes goodbyes so much harder!

I'll miss you loads and loads, Sammy. <3

First drunk experience in Singapore...

First drunk experience in Singapore. So drunk I needed taking care of, thanks to Matt and Sammy. Matt washed puke off my dress and Sammy cleaned me up. Real sweeties they are.
He put me in bed and she covered me up. They are absolutely sweethearts

Don't know what got into me to down a bottle and half of whiskey. Between me and Maggie, we must have drank so much. I'm still so hungover I don't know if I'm writing rubbish. I must be. I hate this feeling. Something I can't control and lost control. Oh what am I writing...

Leap year week

Another bad start of the week. I wonder if I'm really going into depression mood. Just read that when one loses interests in everything, that's depression. And here I am, no interest in my work, no interest in meeting people, constantly giving evasive responses or remarks, staring into space at times, sounds like I'm en route down that path after all.

Maybe I should move out, I seem to remember happier and much more relaxed times back then. Now, it just feels like I'm going out for the sake of being away from a place called home, which isn't, really.

Cross my fingers, pray to God that I can do that sooner, before I loses my sanity to family pressure...

A little piece of silence

Silence is said to be golden. But where I am now, silence is the calm before the impending storm.

I appreciate silence as much as I appreciate the existence of modern day transportation. However, this silence is the type of silence I'd rather not go through.

Random Ramblings

I forgot when was the last time I wrote an entry here. Someone reminded me today I should vent my frustration here so I will not be depressed again. I've nearly forgotten I even had an account here.

To be honest, I don't even know where to start. There's so much emotions, thoughts going on in this little brain of mine, I feel like I'm going to explode. Seriously, when I stated having flashes of death in my mind, I knew I'm near insanity. Bet insanity misses me after so long. It's been more than a decade after all. A long time...

As usual, it all started again after I moved back home. Having been living on my own for a couple of years plus a few years of no adult authority, I am pretty much uncontrollable now. I might be a rebel but a disciplined rebel. Without any authority, I'm much more "well-behaved". With authority? Every single cell in me screams "NO!!"

I have an issue with authority, especially self-proclaimed-democratics-who-are-in-fact-tyranny-autocratics! Unfortunately for me, I was born to one and have to live with one now. Sometimes, I envisioned how I can rebutt and still keep my cool. Sometimes, I see myself simply dropping dead. Wonder which is worse really.

Nonetheless, I got to deal with this insanity for as long as I am still living under this roof. In any case, this blog can't be found.