Random thoughts

Been thinking recently - I've continued to smile even when I really don't feel like it; continued to look like I've got things in control even though I'm a wreck inside; continued to look like I'm tough even though I'm on the verge on collapsing and giving up, all these but what for? 

To look the part? To give hope to others?  To put others at ease? What am I doing all these for? I'm still looking for an answer, but so far I'm nowhere near that. 

Sometimes I feel like I should just leave it and just say whatever, but I think of how others will react and I put on a front again. I'm so good at it, the ones closest to me can't even tell. 

I turn up at parties looking all good and pretty, happy, but I really just want to hide away. Go to somewhere where no one knows me, no one will expect anything from me, no one will want me to do anything. 

I guess I just need a holiday. A one person trip to anywhere for a short escapade, to renew my love for life, my motivations, my ambitions. Easier said than done. Till then, I have to find those answers..