Approaching 2014

It's the time of the year where reflections take place big time! 

2013 is nearly over, and flashbacks to the memorable moments in life runs on rewind. Through the ups and downs, I've grown stronger with each down and more thankful to everyone who's been there with each up. 

In this new year, I've got new goals, new outlook of life. Most importantly, This very cold heart is beginning to feel a little too frosty. Maybe it's seeing everyone in bliss that the heart is beginning to yearn for some warmth. Then again, the heart is skeptical and I mean, VERY SKEPTICAL. 

There's always something wrong, but hey, you know what? No risk no gain! So, even though every opportunity has its risk, and diving head first isn't exactly my style, I'm gonna jump in. Fingers crossed that I'll hear a reply soon and get out of here! 

Oh, and I'm not talking about relationship! It's career!! 

Cheers, have an awesome 2014 ahead!! ❤❤

Random thoughts

Been thinking recently - I've continued to smile even when I really don't feel like it; continued to look like I've got things in control even though I'm a wreck inside; continued to look like I'm tough even though I'm on the verge on collapsing and giving up, all these but what for? 

To look the part? To give hope to others?  To put others at ease? What am I doing all these for? I'm still looking for an answer, but so far I'm nowhere near that. 

Sometimes I feel like I should just leave it and just say whatever, but I think of how others will react and I put on a front again. I'm so good at it, the ones closest to me can't even tell. 

I turn up at parties looking all good and pretty, happy, but I really just want to hide away. Go to somewhere where no one knows me, no one will expect anything from me, no one will want me to do anything. 

I guess I just need a holiday. A one person trip to anywhere for a short escapade, to renew my love for life, my motivations, my ambitions. Easier said than done. Till then, I have to find those answers..

August

Time of the year again, another year older by none the wiser :(

Looking back, restructuring of my life is in order, again. New resolutions, new plans, new ambitions. Need a new outlook on life. Sick of being in this life now. 

I'm not as strong as I thought I am.

I'm like a piece of glass, once broken, no matter how many times you stick the pieces back, I'll never be the same. The breaks and scars remain. Leaving the soul shattered and sewn together by a tiny thread.

One day this thread will break, and the pieces will fall. And some will go missing.

Fighting

So I've decided to fight as that's what feels right to me. Going down without a fight seems so wrong that it eats at me.

Tonight I will fight for what I love, with that determination in mind, I can't give up. If I fail, at least I can say I've tried my best and it still doesn't work out. If I succeed, I'll be the happiest camper around. Wish me luck, wish me the best. For I will not go down without a fight.

Hurts

There are times when I wish a hole will just swallow me up, like now.

Is there a switch to turn emotions off? It seems to be what happened. I wish I have that switch now, so I won't have to deal with this heartbreak.

It's one of those times recently where my mind goes into an overdrive and brings me to the near bottom of the pit. Not nearly to the bottom most, but near bottom. At times I think that one day I'll literally walk out of the road without looking and die a horrible death, at times I think I will be able to pull through and finally see the light at the end of the rainbow, but hey, is there really a rainbow in my life now? Though blessed with friends who stick around even when I'm not the happiest camper around, why do I still feel like I'm falling into the darkest pit ever?

I'm out and about but where is that sunshine smile I used to have? Where is that carefree spirit? I've become this dark and quiet ghost where even in a crowd no one will notice. Sceneries have seemed to be photoshopped and become greyscale to me, sunshine seems to have been eclipsed by the moon and dark clouds loom over. Is it me or is this world turning grey and dying right in my eyes?

I need a spurt of energy, colors, maybe even hope or faith if it even exists. Invisible tears flowed from the heart, my every part of the body feels dragged down, is this the first sign of dying? If so, please just shoot me right in the heart to stop it from beating, so I don't have to go through hell, ever again.

A little episode of my boring life

Finally tendered my resignation and began my notice!

Crossing my fingers that life will get better, and trying to search inside me if this is the field I still want to stay in. After being through this for 2 years, I feel like I had enough of it, yet another part of me feels like I'm stuck with it. Will I regret not getting out of it now in the future or will I find a renewed interest in it? The challenge is there, but where is my motivation.

I seemed to have lost interest in everything. No motivation or excitement or even interest in anything I do. What am I facing? Why have I lost the fight? Questions to be answered and only I can do that. But, how?

Will this be it?

I was asked today if I'd be interested in either one of two positions in Macau, should it be available, I said yes immediately. However, a part of me is still skeptical about it. After the last one which did not happen, it almost ruined me. I kinda gave up, left with no motivation to perform. Now, I'm trying to pick up the pieces, and here comes another opportunity.

Will this be it or will this be another disappointment? If this is it, my life gets brighter; if not, will the little pieces of me die with expectations?

Finally, a space to call Mine

Finally found a room! It's big and spacious, too big for me but it'll mean a lot of privacy! Awesome!

A lot has gone on in my life.. Things don't look too good, at least financially it's that way. Will need to reflect more, plan more and save more. Gotta stop all the partying, not totally, but limit it to only Fridays and Saturdays. My body can't take it anymore. Now that I have my own "place", I can finally say I don't need to go out so often anymore. I'm quite contended to just lay on the bed and watch movies on my laptop or read my books now. No one will be knocking down on my door and screaming at me. Excited!

Change

Great! Made some drastic changes, life feels better already. Thing is, I'm still feeling like a nomad, no real place to call my own yet. I'm still searching for that shell which will cover me up. But to be honest, things in life seems to be looking brighter and better. Boss is not picking on me so much now, going out less and working more now, got a business which I never thought I could, yeah things seems smoother..

What are we, 5?

Honestly, are we in primary school? We are all adults now, answerable to our own action. Do we need to explain every single action or movement? If you want to know my movement so much, should I clock in and out every single time I go to the washroom? If you don't trust your employees, then don't preach about what a partial leader you are and how understanding you are and how much you trust us! If you did you wouldn't want me to send you my activity log, and make it a must to clock in or out. Our pay aren't judge by the amount of hours we worked so why do you wanna know? If you see my working hours, are you going to increase my pay? No you're not! So stop being such a pain in the arse because I have ten thousand things to do and have no time for these trivial jokes of your's, thank you very much.

Goodbyes

I absolutely hate goodbyes! Finally found someone whom I immediately get on well with and someone I would absolutely like her to be my big sister, and the time is just so short. Even before she leaves I miss her already! I don't even feel this at home! If I could choose my family, Sammy would absolutely be my sister. She's awesome, and not judgmental at all! I'm so gonna miss her..

My big sister from halfway around the globe. Makes me wonder I'm really born into the wrong place. I hate it when I get so connected to someone, just makes goodbyes so much harder!

I'll miss you loads and loads, Sammy. <3

First drunk experience in Singapore...

First drunk experience in Singapore. So drunk I needed taking care of, thanks to Matt and Sammy. Matt washed puke off my dress and Sammy cleaned me up. Real sweeties they are.
He put me in bed and she covered me up. They are absolutely sweethearts

Don't know what got into me to down a bottle and half of whiskey. Between me and Maggie, we must have drank so much. I'm still so hungover I don't know if I'm writing rubbish. I must be. I hate this feeling. Something I can't control and lost control. Oh what am I writing...

Leap year week

Another bad start of the week. I wonder if I'm really going into depression mood. Just read that when one loses interests in everything, that's depression. And here I am, no interest in my work, no interest in meeting people, constantly giving evasive responses or remarks, staring into space at times, sounds like I'm en route down that path after all.

Maybe I should move out, I seem to remember happier and much more relaxed times back then. Now, it just feels like I'm going out for the sake of being away from a place called home, which isn't, really.

Cross my fingers, pray to God that I can do that sooner, before I loses my sanity to family pressure...

A little piece of silence

Silence is said to be golden. But where I am now, silence is the calm before the impending storm.

I appreciate silence as much as I appreciate the existence of modern day transportation. However, this silence is the type of silence I'd rather not go through.

Random Ramblings

I forgot when was the last time I wrote an entry here. Someone reminded me today I should vent my frustration here so I will not be depressed again. I've nearly forgotten I even had an account here.

To be honest, I don't even know where to start. There's so much emotions, thoughts going on in this little brain of mine, I feel like I'm going to explode. Seriously, when I stated having flashes of death in my mind, I knew I'm near insanity. Bet insanity misses me after so long. It's been more than a decade after all. A long time...

As usual, it all started again after I moved back home. Having been living on my own for a couple of years plus a few years of no adult authority, I am pretty much uncontrollable now. I might be a rebel but a disciplined rebel. Without any authority, I'm much more "well-behaved". With authority? Every single cell in me screams "NO!!"

I have an issue with authority, especially self-proclaimed-democratics-who-are-in-fact-tyranny-autocratics! Unfortunately for me, I was born to one and have to live with one now. Sometimes, I envisioned how I can rebutt and still keep my cool. Sometimes, I see myself simply dropping dead. Wonder which is worse really.

Nonetheless, I got to deal with this insanity for as long as I am still living under this roof. In any case, this blog can't be found.

People, a strange species.

Humans have evolved to become Robots with a human face. You never know when they are for real, and when they are not. I've long ago given up on trying to understand.

I live in a world where even I, myself feel a little robotic.

This is me.

This is change.

How is life?

indescribable feelings, tumultous emotions. My heart is in a million pieces, impossible to piece them back together.

Been the longest time since I logged in...

It seemed to have been years..

Things have changed, I have changed.

After what I have been through, I feel lonely now. Friends are never friends, family holds a different meaning now. I used to think that friends are the best, but now...

Even a love can change. My love for music, love for action, love for company, love for challenges, they have all but melt into the universe, unable to be found again.

I feel like an empty shell now, so empty that I'm beginning to feel that maybe I am nothing but a shell. Devoid of feelings, emotions and dreams. Just a shell that looks like a human. Incapable of sincere laughter, unable to cry, left with no voice, nothing.

I yearn to findmyself again, but somewhere I know I will not be truly happy again. Not when I can't laugh from my heart, or cry again.

Things have really changed. Decisions I made in the past have caught up, leaving me nowhere to turn to.

Maybe I should leave. Leave this place and start afresh somewhere else. Somewhere no one have ever heard of me. I might then be able to laugh again. No one will ever see me the wayI am now, I put on a very sturdy mask. The mask of my life.