Approaching 2014

It's the time of the year where reflections take place big time! 

2013 is nearly over, and flashbacks to the memorable moments in life runs on rewind. Through the ups and downs, I've grown stronger with each down and more thankful to everyone who's been there with each up. 

In this new year, I've got new goals, new outlook of life. Most importantly, This very cold heart is beginning to feel a little too frosty. Maybe it's seeing everyone in bliss that the heart is beginning to yearn for some warmth. Then again, the heart is skeptical and I mean, VERY SKEPTICAL. 

There's always something wrong, but hey, you know what? No risk no gain! So, even though every opportunity has its risk, and diving head first isn't exactly my style, I'm gonna jump in. Fingers crossed that I'll hear a reply soon and get out of here! 

Oh, and I'm not talking about relationship! It's career!! 

Cheers, have an awesome 2014 ahead!! ❤❤

Random thoughts

Been thinking recently - I've continued to smile even when I really don't feel like it; continued to look like I've got things in control even though I'm a wreck inside; continued to look like I'm tough even though I'm on the verge on collapsing and giving up, all these but what for? 

To look the part? To give hope to others?  To put others at ease? What am I doing all these for? I'm still looking for an answer, but so far I'm nowhere near that. 

Sometimes I feel like I should just leave it and just say whatever, but I think of how others will react and I put on a front again. I'm so good at it, the ones closest to me can't even tell. 

I turn up at parties looking all good and pretty, happy, but I really just want to hide away. Go to somewhere where no one knows me, no one will expect anything from me, no one will want me to do anything. 

I guess I just need a holiday. A one person trip to anywhere for a short escapade, to renew my love for life, my motivations, my ambitions. Easier said than done. Till then, I have to find those answers..

August

Time of the year again, another year older by none the wiser :(

Looking back, restructuring of my life is in order, again. New resolutions, new plans, new ambitions. Need a new outlook on life. Sick of being in this life now. 

I'm not as strong as I thought I am.

I'm like a piece of glass, once broken, no matter how many times you stick the pieces back, I'll never be the same. The breaks and scars remain. Leaving the soul shattered and sewn together by a tiny thread.

One day this thread will break, and the pieces will fall. And some will go missing.

Fighting

So I've decided to fight as that's what feels right to me. Going down without a fight seems so wrong that it eats at me.

Tonight I will fight for what I love, with that determination in mind, I can't give up. If I fail, at least I can say I've tried my best and it still doesn't work out. If I succeed, I'll be the happiest camper around. Wish me luck, wish me the best. For I will not go down without a fight.

Hurts

There are times when I wish a hole will just swallow me up, like now.

Is there a switch to turn emotions off? It seems to be what happened. I wish I have that switch now, so I won't have to deal with this heartbreak.

It's one of those times recently where my mind goes into an overdrive and brings me to the near bottom of the pit. Not nearly to the bottom most, but near bottom. At times I think that one day I'll literally walk out of the road without looking and die a horrible death, at times I think I will be able to pull through and finally see the light at the end of the rainbow, but hey, is there really a rainbow in my life now? Though blessed with friends who stick around even when I'm not the happiest camper around, why do I still feel like I'm falling into the darkest pit ever?

I'm out and about but where is that sunshine smile I used to have? Where is that carefree spirit? I've become this dark and quiet ghost where even in a crowd no one will notice. Sceneries have seemed to be photoshopped and become greyscale to me, sunshine seems to have been eclipsed by the moon and dark clouds loom over. Is it me or is this world turning grey and dying right in my eyes?

I need a spurt of energy, colors, maybe even hope or faith if it even exists. Invisible tears flowed from the heart, my every part of the body feels dragged down, is this the first sign of dying? If so, please just shoot me right in the heart to stop it from beating, so I don't have to go through hell, ever again.